This past Christmas John and I gave each other books that would encourage us to read our Bible daily. I've really been slacking with my Bible studies lately and have spent nearly a year without cracking open the Good Book on a non-Sunday, so the books I've received were welcome gifts.
A friend of mine once told me that to get into the habit of doing a daily Bible study, she did a 30-day challenge. She would try to do her studies every morning for 30 days straight. If she missed a day, she would have to start her count over. So, with the beginning of the new year, I figured I'd take on that challenge and crack open one of my new books and my Bible.
I made it three days the first week. The next week, a whopping four. And my longest run, was last week - five days. I'm not surprised by my inability to get into the groove of this, but I am somewhat disappointed in myself.
What adds to the discouragement, is that the book I'm currently reading is set up for a specific lesson each week. There's a reading for each day of the week. Most devotional books I've come across are set up for a specific day of the year. With those other books, if I miss a day, I just pick up on the reading for that day and then move on with my challenge. This book, however, builds on each lesson, so I feel obligated to go back to the first day of the week.
The problem? I'm stuck on the chapter on Forgiveness.
Reading and learning about forgiveness is like praying for patience. It's one of those things that you just need to be careful about what you pray for. Who wants to deal with forgiveness? I sure don't. The heartache, the pain, the feelings of being wronged by others. I don't want to revisit any of that. I so much prefer to sweep it away and lock it up in some "let's not talk about it" closet than have to face it head on.
The first week I read up on this chapter, I was confronted with a friend's belief that I didn't agree with. It's nothing new to me to not agree with others, but this statement hurt me. It cut me to the core. I was insulted and felt completely betrayed by the comment. I couldn't make sense of it all. Normally, I would try to ignore the statement and let someone have their First Amendment rights. But this, this one hurt a lot. So, I decided to let my friend know how much it hurt. I wasn't out to change her mind or to make her speak PC, but I wanted her to see what I saw. Or at least how this comment could come across to others.
Unfortunately for me, my life and actions are not scripted out. I have free will and often let emotions overrule gentile behavior and manners. Rather than being biblical and taking my friend aside and addressing the issue in private, I made the mistake of airing it on Facebook. Way to villainize a friend, right? By the time I decided to delete the message and address the issue in private, my friend beat me to the good manners and sent me a note. Here was a moment where I had to deal with forgiveness. Where I had to face a person who hurt me and deal with it.
I'm terrible at this kind of thing. Thankfully, this incident happened on the web and not in person. I'm such a people pleasing person that I end up brushing off what I really want to say in hopes of keeping the peace rather than addressing the issue and having a clean slate. In the back and forth of our messages, I realized that it took a while for my friend to apologize. She made more statements that were intended to excuse her comment rather than to say she was sorry. As much as I want to give people the opportunity to see my point of view, I knew that this was a situation where all I could do to better the relationship was to accept the apology. Trying to impress my view on her was not going to honor her or her beliefs.
After that incident, I went back to my readings on forgiveness. And the next week, almost to the day, I had a really bad interaction at work. Really bad. I would have to say it's the second lowest professional moment I've ever had. The first one being where I called a construction site superintendent (my company's money making client) an unfeeling backwards narcissistic chauvinist pig. I've basically blocked that moment out of my memory but I know it was a low point. One of those points where you wonder if you're going home. Forever.
Last week's incident didn't make question my job security, but I was definitely ashamed that I had let things escalate to a point where I was unprofessional and didn't reflect the kind of employee my boss deserves to have. I had a wicked headache and was determined to do payroll and leave. And while that's no excuse, it helps set the stage. My coworker forwarded me a call that I knew would either be quick or really drawn out and leave me defensive. And since I've already prefaced this story, you know which one I received.
The woman who called works in an office that I've deemed to have an Environment of Anger. It took me a while to realize it's not so much her and her personality, but rather where she works. Of all the companies I interact with, this one seems to have the highest number of employees who our office has heated exchanges with. A year ago, I was told that my methods were "f'd up" and that we should change how we handle things. Apparently, deadline calendars were beneath them and unnecessary. I had someone else take care of that issue and bend the rules. I couldn't bring myself to reward that behavior. Gee, I wonder why I need to learn how to forgive??
This time, the woman who called and heard it from her superiors and had the joyous task of sending it my way because we have a tighter working relationship. Their thought was that I was that this friendly relationship would make me change in a way that benefited them. I was so incredibly defensive that I didn't hear half of what she was saying. I spent 30 minutes not listening to her and still defending my actions. I've replayed the "conversation" in my head so many times and have found so many places where I could have been a better person / employee / Christian worker and ended the call. My pride really got in the way. I wanted to make excuses for everything. I wanted her to see how brilliant a worker I was and how I was addressing their needs as a subcontractor. I was the good guy. The white hatted cowboy. She was flinging mud on me. To top if off, I had a headache, so I was the poor defenseless good guy. How could she not see that and back off?!?
When we finally got off the phone with an agreement for her coworkers to just toss my hard work away and ignore it so that they wouldn't get mad and could feel superior, I was feeling so incredibly beat up and dejected. I felt like a failure on so many levels. I cried a lot. Like a stupid girl. That kind of blubbery cry that makes you want to slap someone. Just lame. Seriously.
At first, I cried because I had been in a verbal sparring match and I was wiped out emotionally and physically. Then I cried because I had lost. Then I cried over how poorly I behaved. A few hours later, I received an e-mail of apology from the woman (!), so of course, I cried over how this angry woman who dealt out so much animosity, was a better person than me. As the day wore on, I realized some other things. 1) I had more to read on forgiveness and 2) I had committed to pray for her and the other employees of Acerbic, Inc. that the environment of anger would be replaced with one of peace.
I really beat myself up over the last one. It was a terrible way to start the new year. And much worse as an opening to a year of prayer for someone.
I returned home resolved to complete my week of devotional readings and make it through seven days straight so that I could move on to another lesson grouping. I woke up in the middle of the night with the dreadful realization that I had not done my reading (the last one for the week) and that I would once again start another week-long lesson on forgiveness.
Thank you, Jesus!
So, this week started with that cloud of consternation hanging over me, much like Bill Murray's character in Groundhog Day where he was doomed to repeat a day until he gets it right. Would moments where forgiveness were needed continue to cross my path until I had a better response? I've spent the week walking on egg shells around this topic wondering when this opportunity would present itself. When I would have to forgive someone else.
And it's hit me. It's not so much that I have to forgive someone, but that I need to ask for forgiveness for my behavior from both of these women. I shouldn't have been so defensive and should have listened to the second one. With the first, I should have handled the situation more privately. I'm hoping that one day, I will have it right. Until then, I'm still trying to figure it all out.
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